18: Xena Story

This morning went rather well in class. It is funny how the kids calm down and are rather tired on days that it is raining. Maybe because it seems dark outside and they think they should still be asleep. Not a lot happened during morning math, reading and coloring. The highlight of the morning was Sara nibbling a little on her crayon. However, when lunch came around the kids started to perk up.

Usually my assistant sits with the kids at lunch and I get a break, but she was out today. They were all excited to go to the lunchroom since it was a Thursday. Thursdays in our school is chocolate milk day, and they all get two small cartons of it with their lunch.

I had them all seated and I was helping them get situated when I noticed Misty standing up on her chair. She had been ranting about something she’d seen on Xena all morning. (Her parents bought her the first 2 seasons on DVD). She was holding the circular lid to her Tupperware in her hands and was telling Anni that it is her “Chakram” just like Xena’s (I looked it up--it’s some weapon Xena used).

All of a sudden she let’s out this warrior-like scream,

“Ah la la la la la la la la!”

I see Misty whip the lid as hard as she could. It flew, quite well I must say, across the room and nailed Steve in the forehead.

Steve sat for a second, and then summoned all his energy and let out a piercing wail. He let it out with so much force over a span of three minutes that he ended up crapping his pants.

I had to take him to the office to call his parents and explain what a red welt was doing on his forehead.

When I asked Misty about why she threw her Tupperware top at Steve she simply replied, “Steve is the enemy.”

17: Sick Daria

Daria got a really bad ear infection and needed to have a minor procedure done. She was in the hospital for a day or two and missed school for a week to recover.

After the third day of her absence, I explained to the class where she was even though no one noticed she was gone. Anni asked with a quivering lip why Daria was in the hospital.

Before I could explain, Jay asks, “Is it because when she spilled Kool-aid on the carpet last week?”

I think maybe Jay has been witness to some domestic violence.

13: Very safe sex

I think some parents don’t understand how much their behavior influences their children. Take Jay for example.

Jay came to school today and kept fidgeting more than normal. He’d scoot around his chair as if he was totally uncomfortable, and kept adjusting his pants. This became a nuisance in class because some of the others thought he getting away with itching his butt, which is a no-no in our classroom.

I took Jay outside in the hall to ask him what was wrong and why he was fidgeting.

Miss Pell "Why do you keep itching?”
Jay "Cause.”
Miss Pell "Cause why?”
Jay "Cause I’m covered.”
Miss Pell "Cause you’re what?”
Jay "I’m covered. I’m safe. I can be around Anni and the other girls now.”

Not knowing what he was talking about, I called two male teachers to come down and asked them to walk Jay into the nurse’s office to investigate. They came back 10 minutes later with grins.

Apparently, Jay’s older brother, who is in a normal class, told Jay that in order for him to be around girls, he needed to be covered. That is, he needed to wear a condom. Otherwise the girls would get pregnant.

I guess his brother put a condom on him the night before and Jay thought it stayed on until you wanted to get a girl pregnant, so he never took it off.

I called his parents and told them to have a talk with their sons.

12: Pee Water

Today Steve wet his pants. This by itself is not a strange thing to happen in my class, but with Steve it can present unique challenges. Steve is severely handicapped--both physically and mentally, and is confined to a motorized wheelchair.

We were playing with Lincoln logs and trying to work on counting and other coordination activities. Steve was banging his logs on the table in his puddles of drool, so I left him at that while I helped Sara with her counting. Sara informed me that Lincoln Logs reminded her of her grandma’s sausage.

Suddenly, I felt a light tap on my shoulder. Anni was standing there all giggling and smiling as she does often. She just kept giggling and didn’t say anything when I asked her what was going on, so I turned around to help Sara again.

Anni tapped me on the shoulder again. “Hehehehehe Miss Pell, hehehehe Stevie is leaking. Hehehe.”

Since Anni usually doesn’t make sense anyway, I ignored her for the second time to pick up Sara’s logs so she would not try to nibble/eat/swallow them. As I was putting them back in the bin, I felt another tap on my shoulder.

It was Jay this time. Now, Jay knows right from wrong. He has severe ADHD and he is a VERY slow learner, but other than that, he’s the most normal in the class.

He is holding Anni’s hand while she still giggles. He points at Steve, who from here I can see has a dark blue stain in the crotch of his baby blue sweat pants. There was so much urine that it managed to pour down the sides of his motorized chair. I was unclear when exactly the wetting had occurred, and was about to ask Jay about this when he says,

"Steve spilt water, but it tastes acky!,” he says while making a face like he just sucked a lemon.

Oh please no.

I called my TA and they took Steve to the office for cleaning. I then made Jay drink a lot of juice and wash his hands. I wouldn't tell him why, nor did I ask him how he knew what that "water" tasted like.

8: Brownie Bites

Since fall is right around the corner and the chill is evident in the morning air, I decided to let the kids play games outside today. Before we went outside, we had lunch. Today Sara’s mom packed her a turkey sandwich (no mayo Sara announced) and carrot sticks instead of these brownie bites she usually has.

After Sara cried and had a tantrum for about 20 minutes upon finding this sub-par lunch, she finally sat down at her desk and inhaled her lunch. I think she chewed twice. We decided what games to play outside and I released them.

It was so nice out that I decided to bring Tucker Max’s book out with me for some entertainment. As I read, I casually scanned the grounds after every other paragraph, making sure the kids were all behaving.

I saw Jay and Anni doing some animal impression, but as long as they weren’t hooking the vacuum up to her it was fine. Then I saw Sara sitting on the grass near the fence, by herself, picking at stuff. I figured she was still upset about having to eat carrot sticks today, so I let her be.

After 45 minutes I called the class together and we went inside. We were settled in and about to read a book when I heard Misty speak up from the back. “Miss Pell, Sara isn’t sharing her treats.” I went to the back to see what Sara was doing. When I got to her desk, I saw three hard cylindrical objects sitting on her desk. By the smell alone, I knew immediately what they were.

Sara had three hardened dog turds sitting on her desk. From the looks, I’d say they came from a shih-tzu or some medium sized dog in the toy group. [Now while I tell this last part, remember I just saw dog crap on the kids desk and in my mind I was running over the vision of her sitting and picking at stuff near the fence just minutes before, so my late reaction is justified]

Bright eyed Sara looks at me and says, “I found my brownie bites” and no shit, the kid popped one in her mouth like it was, well…a brownie bite.

OH MY GOD!

I didn’t know what to do. I stood frozen in horror as I watched her chew and ingest the canine fecal matter with the look of content and ecstasy on her plump face. She’d been outside eating turds for a half hour already, what could one more do?

I quickly snagged the other two and threw them away. I didn’t know what to do, so I called her to the front of the room, gave her a couple tic tacs, and tried to forget what.

3: I can't eat at McDonald's anymore

Today was a special day for my kids. At the end of every month, they have a review. If they improved in any way, i.e. they learned how to color, or learned how say the name of a color correctly, or just don't grab their genitals in class, then we all go to McDonald’s for Happy Meals.

This month everyone did well in standards, so we planned a trip to McDonald’s for Wednesday. We always go around 10:30 since we don’t want to hold the line for lunch up.

One kid in particular, Erik, spends large amounts of time repeating, “Ma…don…al” and not saying what he wants. The conversation typically goes like this:

Me: “Chicken nuggets or a hamburger..”
Erik: “Ma…don…al”
Me: “Yes it is, now do you want chicken or cow?”
Erik: “Ma…don….al.”
Me: “You can’t eat Ronald, it’s either chicken or cow.”
Anni: “Look….milking!” (as she squeezes her nippies)

Today went more smoothly…except for Stevie passing gas at the front on the line. I had to take a 5-minute break from ordering and the manager had to spray deodorizer. It was that bad. It was the very worst thing I had ever smelled in my life.

Imagine a kid in a wheel chair that just drools and can’t pronounce words, he can only point. His breakfast usually consists of those protein/vitamin milk drinks and some kind of bran muffin. (he sometimes has constipation problems). Now imagine the bran and milk leaving his body in gas form, and occasionally, in pungent liquid form.

This stench was so bad it caused many customers and a few employees to vacate the restaurant and has ruined me on McDonald’s since.

2: Milking

There are two tards in my class, Anni and Jay, that live relatively close to each other, and sometimes they come to school together. After today, I am guessing they must also play together.

I come into my classroom 5 minutes after my tards are finished with recess. I was late because I was talking to another teacher and lost track of time.

[Before I tell you the rest picture in your head how the vacuum looks when you put the tube end on instead of the vacuum head when you clean your walls or ceiling as opposed to the floor.]

I walk into the room to find Anni on all fours with her shirt hiked up and Jay holding the tube handle of the vacuum cleaner against her boob.

Jay “Miss Pell! Look!…..Milking!”
Anni “HA HA HA!,” laughs Anni with an aroused tard smile on her face.

I had to stifle the laughter and tears as I un-hooked the “milker” and told them to take their seats for coloring.